(The Devil and Lacy are sitting in chairs and facing each other in an empty white room.)
LACY
First of all, I want to thank you for giving me an interview. I'm sure you seldom do.
DEVIL
You'd be surprised. You're quite welcome. All anyone has to do is ask, and I'll be there. I too give thanks, and that's to you for calling me.
LACY
Prince of Death, Son of Sinister Sins, Master of Disaster, Devil, Satan, Ebliss, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Mephistopheles. What do you prefer to be called?
DEVIL
Anything you feel comfortable with. Been called worse. Believe it or not, some think I'm nice. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say they find me pleasant. You, too, will see. Try to be open-minded, though.
LACY
What is your role in life?
DEVIL
Anything you want it to be. I can give anyone anything imaginable. Money, power, prestige, sex, anything. I love to give.
LACY
You love?
DEVIL
Sure do. All you have to do is ask for...and it's yours.
LACY
Don't people have to give you their soul when they die?
DEVIL
That's not bad.
LACY
So it's possible it can be bad?
DEVIL
No. No. No. Listen and hear me out. The "eternal pain" stuff you see on television is a lie. A joke. Ha! Hell is not a bad place. As a matter of fact, that version of hell is better than a majority of the lives led here.
LACY
Well, where is hell?
DEVIL
Trust me, you don't want to know. Besides, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me. I get the feeling you don't believe there is such a place. Do you?
LACY
Que sera, sera.
DEVIL
I'm right about everything.
LACY
Reality is as reality is perceived. Let us continue. Let's touch on religion. What do you think of the Bible?
DEVIL
Much of it is absurd. Inaccurate. The authors did not include enough information about me, my triumphs, or should I say, "enlightenments." There is the...
LACY
You, have read the Bible!
DEVIL
Yeah. And?
LACY
No, I'm surprised you'd admit it.
DEVIL
Here's a story that was omitted: There were these three men. Delbo, Krult, and Senar. They were put in prison for adultery and were to serve six years. After the first six months, they were given the option of serving out their term, or spending three weeks in the desert with one gallon of water each. No food. They chose the desert. They were escorted deep inside for three days. Blindfolded. Anyone who saw them prior to the three weeks was to cut their heads off. When the escorting party left, the three men searched for a cave or a hill or some place to sleep. Back on the adultery thing for a minute, I don't see what the big deal is. So you have sex outside of marriage. What is the big whoop?
LACY
Guess it draws couples closer together knowing the feeling can only be given by someone you love.
DEVIL
Que sera, sera. They were fine after the first day. The water was gone after the second. Bone dry. Not a drop. Nothing. Then, everything out their mouths was "God this..." and "God that..." and "God help us" and "God, God, God." Well, Goddamn. Fortunately for them they came across a pond of fresh water. No idea where it came from. Out of the blue. They drank, took a nap, and as if by magic, the pond was gone. I think it sank in the sand. By the third day, they were starving. Day five, no food, no water. What was God doing? Nothing. "I better help the poor guys 'fore they die." So, I appeared to them in the form of a man who looked like them. Stayed away from the stereotypical Jesus/God look. The blond-haired, blue-eyed, long-bearded look doesn't work for me.
LACY
Oh, how thoughtful of you. How sensitive.
DEVIL
Please! I let them hear my voice for a few moments so not to startle them, then faded myself into their vision. Gave 'em enough food, clothing, water, and shelter to last the stay. You know they thought I was God. Dummies. I was their salvation. Their hero. Their knight in shining armor. Their Jesus.
LACY
What finally happened?
DEVIL
I was never able to convince them who I was. They believed God helped them. He was nowhere to be found. If it weren't for me, they would have died. Ingrates. Can't help everybody. God doesn't even help everybody. Beg and plead him and he turns away. Is that what he does with his existence? Turn people away? Like I said before, all anyone has to do is ask, and I'll be their...
LACY
I guess it's safe to assume they never called?
DEVIL
They should have. Oh, they should have.
LACY
Why's that?
DEVIL
Their loss.
LACY
Sure?
DEVIL
Positive.