(The dogs are talking to each other.)
FEETSMAN
Whew, glad those two are outta here. What’s the deal with the baby talk?
BUSDOM
It was cool when I was a pup, now it’s sickening. She thinks it’s cute, with her baby-wabys and puppy-wuppys. I’m four years old!
FEETSMAN
Yea.
BUSDOM
A full-grown dog.
FEETSMAN
Amen.
BUSDOM
I sware, if she doesn’t cut out the baby-wabys and puppy wuppys, I’ll drop a pissy-wissy right outside her bedroom door! Mess with me, will she.
FEETSMAN
You tell her, Busdom. You tell her.
BUSDOM
Darn right.
FEETSMAN
Definitely
BUSDOM
Better not mess with me.
FEETSMAN
(A few seconds go by and Feetsman stands up in front of Busdom while shaking his head “no” a few times. He gestures with his hands as if he’s figuring out what to say and how to say it.)
Busdom?
I gotta ask. You and the humping? I mean… Do you have to hump… everything?
BUSDOM
I’m horny. I’m four years old. Never had none. That’s 28 for humans.
FEETSMAN
Never?
BUSDOM
Never, ever. Sure I’ve humped coats, pillows, stuffed animals… Even licked myself a few times…
FEETSMAN
Me too. Felt kinda good.
BUSDOM
Even humped her once.
FEETSMAN
Yea?
BUSDOM
Popped me on the snoot. (Rubbing his snout,) Gosh, I hate that.
FEETSMAN
Well, when they cut mine off…
BUSDOM
Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Time out. Hold it.
FEETSMAN
What?
BUSDOM
You mean… (Busdom motions like he’s using scissors to cut something.)
FEETSMAN
Yes. I am.
BUSDOM
De-balled?
FEETSMAN
Snipped.
BUSDOM
Axed?
FEETSMAN
Chopped.
BUSDOM
Gone?
FEETSMAN
…like a fart in a tornado.
BUSDOM
(Busdom bends over clutching his crotch area as if he’s in pain.)
Ouch! Ouch! (He calms down and sits on the sofa,) Well. Well, uh, how do you feel about it now?
FEETSMAN
No desire to get some. But I remember what it was like. Ahhh. Had no idea what it was but I used to do the mixed breed thing across the ally. I’d clutch her and lock in, put the hump in my back like I was a camel…
BUSDOM
(Busdom is speaking agitatedly,) No details, please.
FEETSMAN
I’d smile, and grin, and cheese…
BUSDOM
Enough already.
FEETSMAN
And with the last few thrusts, ‘cause ya know I liked to do it fast, right when I was about to…
BUSDOM
Stop it! I can’t take it no more.
FEETSMAN
Ok. But now that I don’t have balls, every time she sees me, she laughs and sings, (Feetsman singing,) “You ain’t got no baaaalls. You ain’t got no baaaalls…” But I got used to it. You’ll be better off with out ‘em. You’re too high strung. But it does hurt when they, ya know, snip-snip. Whew!